A Mother’s Day Thank You

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My mother at age 10.  Apple resembles her in this photo.

It has been five years since my mother passed away.    During her years in round-the-clock care, my conversations were limited with her.   Depending on the day, my visits were either gently telling my mother that I was not there to give her a pedicure.   Or take her to get her hair styled.   My mother always had beautiful manicured nails and her hair was never messy.  Unlike my mother – my hair is messy.

There were visits she would know exactly who I was.   My kids.   My husband.   But the majority of the time we were employees of the safe haven that was now her home.  Dementia was taking over her mind as Parkinson’s disease took over her frail body.    Recently I drove up to visit my father.  His home still feels as if my mother should walk out of the bathroom smelling of Clinic perfume.   And there are moments where I can smell her.   I hear her voice.   And I feel her hugs.

As a new mother – there is nothing like having your mother around to give support and her own motherly suggestions.   My oldest were in high school and my youngest was in Kindergarten when my mother passed away.      I think I had the mothering thing down pretty well.   But no doubt I would have been on the phone with her asking if one of the teens could be sent to Pennsylvania!   [insert a laugh]   I would have asked for her advice on career (change)  decisions and what to do with my messy hair.

I don’t have her to call or to ask what to do with my messy hair.   But I have a lot of suggestions and advice.  I have her experience and her motherly insight.  After all – she raised me.   I know her discipline and her facial expressions.  All of them!    My mother gave me the best tools that I could possibly ask for in raising children.  In being a woman.  In being a friend.   And those difficult decisions that come my way – I go back to her words of encouragement.

When I read other post or articles on women who lost their mothers – and they find it hard to celebrate Mother’s Day without their mother – I do understand the emptiness and sadness.     But I do have my mother with me.    She gave me the gift of life.   And so, I feel my mother in my heart, my soul, in the very core of who I am.     It took a lot of maturing for me to come to this stage in my life.   There were times my mother and I were two rams on a mountain going in for the hit.   But we came out even stronger.      As I experienced that mountain with my own teens – I felt her by my side.

I recently was given this quote from a friend.

“Mothers and Daughters are closest, when Daughters become Mothers”  ~unknown

Thank you to my mother.  

Happy Mother’s Day ~

Sunny with Rain…but it’s Sunny

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It is absolutely beautiful here today around the DC Metro area.  I have my windows open, the gentle breeze is flowing in each window.  It almost feels like May.    I love the month of May.

But before the windows opened – and  the spring like feeling  embraced me – I had rain.

Today I asked for my mother back.  I wanted her to be standing in my kitchen [or me in hers] listening to my mother remind me what adulthood is all about.  As she would hug me letting me know this is not an abnormal feeling.  It’s normal.  I’m not crazy.  I’m not losing my mind.  I’m quite capable of working through this …. whatever this is.

 

What this is is me on limited sleep and high caffeinated beverages.   Supercharged emotions keeping me moving, yet too many sleepless nights have me ready to book a cruise, even though I despise cruise ships.    And then my guilt kicks in because I don’t want to book any cruise on some contaminated ship full of tourist wearing their Lilly Pulitzer attire waiting for the next port.

I’m waiting for the rain to stop on this beautifully perfect sunny day.

Murphy started out my sleeplessness by making two visits to the veterinarians office.     After numerous test, and X-ray, some antibiotics and a bland diet….Dr. B, is hoping Murphy will only be back to visit on the next puppy physical scheduled in two weeks.    Mulch has been her obsession, however mulch is the devil in this scenario. [I’ll spare you the graphic details]  She’s going to learn rather quickly some new commands, or wear the cone of shame.   No matter the outcome – Murphy gave us quite a scare.

I later learned that a high school friend passed away suddenly.   It was shocking to many of us.  Sabrey followed Momma Daisy as well as Murphy’s law blog.   A wife, mother and sister.   A friend to many.

I have no right to complain.

College Daughter came home Saturday morning.    This was her day for oral surgery.  Dr. P, is amazing, and comes highly recommended in the DC Metro area.   However, when a twenty year old searches high and low on the internet of complications from wisdom teeth extraction- though she was instructed not to do so from Dr. P and his staff – as well as her father and I – everyone else and everything else became her absolute truth.   You must love Facebook and the monumental support of comments that only put her more over the edge.  Those peeps became a piñata for me in my dreams.   Just kidding!   No, really I’m not because I’m still coming down off of a Caramel Mocchiato – Venti.       no decaf please

College daughter came out of her surgery just fine.  Dr. P, and Football Superstar walked her to the elevator as I worked as valet parking – thanking those patrons from Bar Louie as to not bark at me for blocking their view of Redskins park or the super televisions that play videos or sports channels 24/7.    The beginning of Al fresco dining.

Football Superstar needed to meet an out of state client.   I drove home trying not to laugh at our daughter who continuously patted my arm as if she were petting Murphy.   Mumbling things, giggling, then hysterically laughing.   Mumbling “I love you”….to “where’s that”….. to finally floating back into the state I found her in after surgery.

Once we arrived home – I got her in bed.    I sat for one moment.    Looking at Murphy, thinking about the daughter who is home – that moment when she was a toddler having surgery on her hand and feet right after arriving on US soil.

I began to cry.   Wanting my mother so badly.   Asking her if I’m doing this right.

Why am I twisting with torment by everything?  I’m not the one with puppy-poopers and a swollen jaw.    It’s not my tornado.   It was College Daughters and puppy Murphy’s perfect storm.

My mother did show up.  I found her smile.  Her soft soothing voice telling me I am doing everything just fine.    And though I carried the anchor for pulling this perfect storm in thanks to a wonderful supportive husband, caffeine and Godiva extra dark chocolate brownie mix –  I’m dried out.     The sunshine dried up the rain.

 

It doesn’t erase my desire to have my mother here with me.  I know it’s selfishness as well.   My selfishness to hand over the storm to a woman who carried many anchors.  She could calm the worst of storms.   And she never booked a cruise on a contaminated cruise ship with tourist wearing their Lilly Pulitzer attire.   But she did book a vacation – a far away vacation.

 

Thank you Mother.